Six months ago I went to bed being thankful for both of my parents. The father of a friend past away that day and. I remember lying in bed and thinking about her and her family. And about mine. I couldn’t imagine what it would be to miss one of the dearest people in my life.
The next morning the first thing I saw were about ten missed calls. The next thing I remeber is my father on the phone, crying. My mother had died. After that I only have flashes of memories. Me crying on the floor, waiting for my love to arrive. What seemed to be an hour were only ten minutes.
While I write this down it almost makes me cry again. Almost, because I try to block all my feelings. Not that I succeed every time but I’m getting better at it. Not that it’s a very good solution, my feelings get ahead of me every time.
I still haven’t figured out how this mourning and handling your feelings thing works. What I do know is that I need you. I need people. Please have a little patience with me when I am grumpy or trying to push you away. I am just a little scared.
This month I bought flowers again. Six beautiful roses. Their beauty doesn’t compair to my loss but something pretty to look at is never wrong, right?
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Dear Imke,
Mourning is done in little baby steps. The way you are handling it is absolutely fine. Remember how your mom sung to you that you are a pearl, just the way you are. Don’t worry about the “10 steps to mourn a loss”. This is your loss, and the way you decide to handle it is the best way to handle it.
Your mom raised you to be the wonderful person that you are today, you are her celebration of her own life. The way you care and love your son and husband, the many creative outburst you have with the most insane and wonderful projects you start, they are a part of you and a part of your mom. Remember you are the result of the love of thousands, and thousands more love you.
Keep doing what you are doing, be grumpy when you need to, be angry when you feel like it, be happy and dont feel guilty when you smile, you are doing fine and your mom must be smiling when she sees how well you do, even when you falter. You are awesome and perfect. Because perfection is not the absence of mistakes, but the pressence of value. And girl, what an amazing value you bring to this world.
Wishing you strength courage and love on your path. And what a beautiful floral tribute you made yet again for your mom.
Hugs and take care, thinking of you with nothing but love.